Wedding Day
by Girl-fascinated-by-voices
Summary: Raoul is getting married, but to who? (update, added epilogue)
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I still own no one

Disclaimer: I still own no one.

Author's notes: This is the conclusion of my Raoul/Carlotta series. I wrote the first and second parts out of sequence, but the order of the series is: The Author must be crazy, It's a bird! It's a plane! No... it's Super Raoul, and Wedding Day. This one features the unfortunate (yeah right) and amusing demise of Raoul, so obviously there can't be a sequel. Also, since in every story I have someone make an appearance just because that's how my twisted mind works (the audience, Mysterious Announcer Person) this one will feature... Nope, sorry, not telling. Hint: This person was in the musical but not the novel.

(Author is talking to a frightened and tied up Raoul)

Author: You'll do this or else!

Raoul: No! Please don't make me!

Author: Sorry, things have just gotta be this way.

Raoul: Why?

Author: Because I am The Author and I say so!

Raoul: I'll leave Christine alone, I promise! She can marry Erik! (bursts into tears)

Author: She already has.

(Raoul cries even harder)

Author: Now, I'm leaving the room so you can change into your pretty tutu like a good little prisoner. Don't bother trying to run because as you can see there are no windows and I'm guarding the door. (unties him, exits)

(Five minutes later, Raoul appears wearing a pale pink tutu and looking very humiliated.)

Author: (laughing) Okay, now it's time to do your hair.

Raoul: Can't this be enough?

Author: No. You want to look pretty for your bride don't you?

Raoul: (pouts) No.

Author: Too bad. (drags him over to a table covered with assorted hair ribbons and barrettes) Pick one.

Raoul: I don't want to.

Author: If you don't, I will.

Raoul: Oh, fine then! (looks at the items on the table, his face brightens when he sees how pretty everything is) Shiny... (picks up a set of violet butterfly barrettes, drools over them)

Author: Are those the ones you want?

Raoul: (comes out of his trance) No!

Author: (starts trying to put the barrettes in his hair) Hold still!

Raoul: (still trying to run) You can't make me!

Author: Be still or face the consequences!

Raoul: (sounding like a five year old brat) What're you gonna do about it?

Author: Tell me Raoul, have you ever stood naked on the roof of the opera house in the middle of the winter with no way back down?

Raoul: You can't do that!

Author: I can do anything I want to. I just have to write it down.

(Raoul wisely decides to stop moving.)

Author: All right, time for you to get married. (she pulls him into a church and stands him by the altar) Wait here, you're bride-to-be should be out any second.

(Wedding march starts playing and out walks... Carlotta! Her face lights up at the sight of Raoul in a tutu and she licks her lips; trying unsuccessfully to be seductive.)

Raoul: (praying) Lord, I've never asked you for much... probably because I'm so rich... anyway, If you get me out of this I promise I'll become a monk... (starts crying again)

Carlotta: Ooh, don't you look positively scrumptious!

Raoul: (panics) No! I look terrible! Someone please tell her how terrible I look!

Christine: (sitting at the back of the church with Erik) Don't be so modest. You look very pretty. Doesn't he, Erik?

Erik: (laughing) As pretty as a picture.

Author: Can we get started, the priest is getting impatient.

Priest: (says the wedding service that I can't remember all of, so I'm not writing it in) If anyone here can show just cause why these two should not be...

Piangi: (behold, the mystery guest!) I know a reason! A very good reason! They can't be married because Carlotta loves me!

Author: (to Carlotta) Do you?

Carlotta: No, I love (in that weird voice people talk to babies with) my cute wittle Visy-wisycomtey-womtey.

Piangi: But you were going to marry me!

Raul: (hopefully) You don't really love me, do you?

(Before Carlotta can answer, the Author knocks Piangi out with a frying pan, then makes him disappear with a snap of her fingers)

Author: Proceed.

Priest: Very well. Carlotta, do you take...

Carlotta: I do!

Priest: And Raoul do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Raoul: (hesitates, Author jabs him with her elbow) Ow! (sadly) I do.

Priest: (says some more stuff I can't remember)... I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Carlotta: (picks up Raoul and kisses him) Now for the honeymoon, my little cupcake.

Raoul: (screaming and crying) No! (sob) Please, not that! (hysterical sobbing is heard as Carlotta drags him out)

(Later, in the cheap hotel room the Author bought for them; Raoul, still in his tutu, is tied to the bed to prevent him from escaping. The bathroom door opens and Carlotta walks out wearing a very skimpy red negligee. Raoul looks ready to throw up.)

Raoul: Help! Somebody! Anybody! Heeeeelp meeeee!

Carlotta: Darling, at last we are alone! (runs across the room and jumps onto the bed, which collapses; don't worry, she's not hurt because Raoul broke her fall) Darling, are you all right? (sees that he is squashed flat) Oops, I did it again!

Author's notes: (cont'd) Sorry about the fact that Erik and Christine each only have one line, but this story wasn't really about them. 


	2. Epilogue

Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own 'em

Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own 'em.

Author's notes: This is the actual conclusion of the Raoul/Carlotta series. I'm afraid Erik and Christine aren't in this one, sorry. If, after hearing this, you still want to read the story; go right ahead.

(Raoul, of course, has not yet figured out that he is dead. The fact that he is suddenly jerked into Hell shocks him terribly.)

Raoul: What am I doing here?

Mystery person in chair: (deep, spooky voice) You're dead, obviously.

Raoul: Why am I dead?

Mpic: Because you're not alive.

Raoul: I mean, how did I die?

Mpic: Take a look. (shows him a video of his wedding night)

Raoul: (feminine voice) Ewwww, how gross.

Mpic: Well, now that we've brought your little mind up to speed, Welcome to Hell.

Raoul: WHAT?!

Mpic: Hell, you know, eternal torment?

Raoul: I know that, but I don't belong here.

Mpic: That's what they all say.

Raoul: (jumping up and down, hysterical) But I don't, I tell you! I'm a Chagny, our family doesn't go to Hell! 

Mpic: That's what you think. All right Mr. Prissy pants , I'll give you five minutes to prove you don't belong here. (quietly) This oughta be good.

Raoul: Well, when I was born I was such a cute angelic baby, my mother said "He'll go to Heaven for sure". I had the cutest little bottom, I still do actually...

Mpic: Stop! I don't want here about your "cute little bottom", I just ate!

Raoul: Very well, moving on, I've never done anything wrong in my life.

Mpic: Oh really?

Raoul: Well, once when I was eight I got mad at my brother and kicked him somewhere I shouldn't have. He had a funny squeaky voice for a while after.

Mpic: Is that the only bad thing you ever did?

Raoul: (uncomfortably) Yes...

Mpic: You're lying.

Raoul: I only wore Christine's clothes as a joke! I didn't know the managers would try to get me drunk! (shudders)

Mpic: Oh yes, I remember that amusing episode. My favorite part is when you were running down the hall screaming that they were trying to touch your... how did you say it? (thinks) Now, I remember "adorable bum".

Raoul: I was never unfaithful to my wife.

Mpic: That's because you died. Any idiot could tell you intended to be.

Raoul: (desperate) I'm not a bad person!

Mpic: So you never tried to steal anything from anyone?

Raoul: No.

Mpic: Never?

Raoul: Never.

Mpic: What about Christine?

Raoul: What about her?

Mpic: Didn't you try to steal her from Erik?

Raoul: I tried to rescue her from that monster. Is that what you're talking about?

Mpic: Use of the word "monster" in relation to Erik isn't helping your case.

Raoul: (pea-brain suddenly becoming suspicious) Who are you?

Mpic: (turns chair around to reveal... the Author holding one of those voice changer things)

Raoul: (frightened) You again?

Author: (normal voice) Hey, a girl needs a part-time job.

Raoul: You're the devil?

Author: As far as you are concerned, yes. 

(Raoul is on the edge of a nervous breakdown.)

Author: (happily) Time to begin your punishment!

( Off to the side a door opens and Carlotta walks out. Raoul looks pleadingly at the Author.)

Raoul: Anything but that! Please just flay my skin off or put me on the rack!

Author: Don't worry, that's not the real Carlotta. This one is just a clone who'll you follow you around all day singing.

Raoul: That's bad enough! Can't I have some earplugs?

Author: Sorry, I'm using the only pair. Look on the bright side, she won't try to get you into bed.

Raoul: (sighs) That's a relief

Author: No, the real punishment starts when the real Carlotta dies. Then you'll have two of your lovely wife forever and ever. ( laughs maniacally)

Raoul: (pushed over the edge of the nervous breakdown) Baa! Baa! I'm a pretty little sheep. Baa... (howls) I'm going to get you sheep. I'm the big bad wolf! (starts to run around in circles alternately bleating and howling)

Author: (laughing) Just think what he'd have done if I'd have told him the real Carlotta was on her way down right now! (Laughs even harder, falls out of the chair) Ow!


End file.
